BeeFreeBeeHappy: the life and times of Sarah Bee

Because there’s no other outlet at the moment…

I’ve chosen to vent (some) of my frustrations on my tumblr…it’s been a while and I feel the need to write (read: type) some things down before I burst into tears and become a heaping mess on the floor…and because I need to “handle my stress better” and maybe this will help. One, I am an idiot! In an effort to clean my dogs ears the natural way and make her feel better, I mixed some vinegar and warm water and laid her down all nice and gentle to give her a good cleaning….well what does she do? She goes running off in a fit of rage and knocks the laptop off of the (sturdy and secure) stool where it was sitting and in my attempt to keep her calm and keep it from falling, it comes crashing to the ground with a thud…mind you, this is only about a 2 foot fall but apparently it was enough for our little DELL to go fucking ape shit! Now here’s the part where I rewind to the past…in 2008 when I started college I got a wonderful Macbook…this laptop has been my tried and true friend and never an enemy through all the good and bad times in life…never once has this computer failed me. Well, when I met my wonderful husband (at the time we were engaged and living in SC) I decided that since we didn’t have cable we could buy some cheap hookups and use my laptop to turn our TV into a little multimedia station….needless to say, in the hustle and bustle and lord knows what, someone (me, myself, Joshua, or maybe one of the random ass maintenance men who often enjoyed barging in our “home” unexpected and unannounced) knocked my beloved Mac from the tv stand to the floor and there it sat until I, being the clumsy rush rush person I am, was running from front door to back one day and heard an awful crunch…yes, you’ve got it right, my heel definitely made contact with a very expensive computer! Long story short, the screen is oh so cracked and we are NOT and will not shell out the ridiculous amounts of dough Apple wants to charge to fix it and I could fix it myself if only some people (cough Josh wink cough cough wink Josh) trusted me to do so without burning down the house or something (a joke that has been floating around for a while considering there is NOTHING involved except common sense and a screw driver).  Anyhoo, no big deal, the computer still “works” but one down, one to go……..So, back in the days when I was living it up in college, so was Josh….living harmoniously with his Dell XPS M1530 laptop. Yeah, it’s really nice, I’ll admit (even being a Mac girl I kinda like this little guy). Alas, that’s not the point….one nasty virus attacked this thing before I ever came into the picture and by the time we moved in together in SC and all was well and we were using my computer, this little guy got left in the dust…that was, until the day we “broke” mine and needed a computer that was portable for upstairs and whatnot. Well, thus began our life with little Mr. Dell. One move to upstate NY later and life was just fine…me, Josh, two dogs and little Dell. Well, one day, we turned on little Dell and VOILA a big error screen….hard drive not found….after freaking out and not trusting me (again another inside joke because Josh doesn’t know just how smart I am when it comes to all things digital…) Josh finally let me purchase a new hard drive online…it came in the mail pretty quick but then………….IT SAT………FOR MONTHS……after being shuffled around and shuffled around and finally making it to our destination, good ol Washington state, we got a little ballsy one day and decided to go out and take advantage of these “Black Friday” deals. Well, $290 later we had a cute new little netbook, which worked great for the internet and solitaire…after a few months (about 6 if we are getting picky here) Josh realized just how slow Mr. netbook was and suggested we take a look back at good ol Dell…so after about 45 minutes of pittering and pattering and clickering and clackering, Dell was up and running! Turns out we could have saved money and frustration if we would have done this months ago!….BLAH BLAH BLAH FAST FORWARD BACK TO TODAY: Akira has smelly ears…yeah, gross whatever. Anyways, blah blah blah clean clean clean and THUD! Error 0141 hard disk drive not found. Well, after a few calls, turns out if I can’t get the warranty worked out on this fucking hard drive (which is unlikely considering the seller has very specific terms listed) I am gonna have to shell out some more money for YET ANOTHER hard drive. 2 hard drives in one year? You’ve got to be kidding me?!? And of course, being the optimists we are, we sold our little netbook to a good friend thinking we’d never need it again….well, I know what you’re thinking….”but Sarah, you’re ON a computer right now yeah?” Yes, yes I am! Remember my old busted Mac? Well, its old tried and true trusty rusty self is still running strong and hooked up to the tv in the living room serving all my needs for the time being. I’m just still so frustrated at the whole situation….two hard drives in one year not to mention my computer being “broken”….yeah, I understand there are people out there with NO computer but frankly right now I don’t give a fuck because I’m upset. My husband works very hard and gets paid next to nothing after standard bills, etc. We don’t have many “frills” in our life and being broke or next to it is absolutely no fun. On top of that, I am in the middle of applying to nursing programs so looking for a job is damn joke. Can’t find anything that’s close to home and pays enough to even cover gas bills that doesn’t require standing over a damn grease fryer all day….sorry, for those of you thinking I need to suck it up and take whatever I can get, NO. Been there, served my shitty job time. No thank you. Not to mention Josh has put his foot down when it comes to terms and conditions of my temporary “get through school” job. On top of all this, I’m dealing with some other weird shit going on (brought on by stress yeah yeah I know whatever who cares) and I’m just SO EXHAUSTED! Have I mentioned that my husband is not even on dry land? I’m NOT by any means one of those wives that goes around saying that being a Navy wife is the hardest job in the Navy but by God the emotional toll can get to you sometimes and I can vouch for that!  My heart skipped a beat yesterday when I checked our online bank account and noticed a charge from the NEX….I thought maybe he had gotten back and was trying to surprise me…well, all my dreams came crashing to the ground when I realized I made a phone order for some uniform stuff for him and had forgotten and that charge was just that stuff coming out. Yeah, stupid, I know but when you haven’t heard from your spouse in over 3 weeks, you’ll hang on to tiny, shitty, insignificant scraps of hope…pathetic? yeah. helpful? maybe…either way, all that piled on top of the fact that I have been on lock down quarantine in my house for five days now is REALLY starting to get to me. All I do (and Josh too for that matter) is try to get ahead and try to stay on top of things and try try try try try try fucking try and we are ALWAYS getting left in the dust. I know this isn’t a great attitude but I am so done being positive right now. I have everything detailed out onto little lists and timelines and everything is worked out and it NEVER fails that something unexpected pops up….a death here, a bill there, something breaking here, someone getting sick there. I’M DONE I TELL YOU DONE! I just wish he was home and here and I wish I was magically all healed right now right here and I wish we could just sit on our couch in silence for days just holding each other because honestly there is nothing better I could ask for right now. I’m falling apart and I can’t take this shit any more. I’m not saying that we have always been perfect and I’m not saying by any means we are perfect now…..yeah, we have bought things we shouldn’t have (one too many action figures here, one too many pairs of shoes there) and spent money where we shouldn’t have (one too many bar trips here, one too many tanks of gas there) but who hasn’t? I’m just saying I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard. I keep seeing good things happen to bad people and I feel like overall we are “good people” and are getting shit on….I know that “everything happens for a reason” or “God won’t bring you to it if he can’t bring you through” it or whatever bullshit everyone wants to throw at me but come the fuck on and throw me a bone here! I am SO TIRED! I’ve had to take two large doses of steroids in the past month, some antivirals here, some antihistamines there, found out I have some pretty bad acid reflux, working to get migraines under control….a blood panel run here, a diagnostic test of my systems there….I just want it all to be done with….I know these are supposed to be the years we are enjoying but all I want right now is to fast forward a couple years to better financial stability, some babies, and a little more happiness because the lonely, no money, health problems shit I am dealing with right now is NOT okay…..repeat, NOT OKAY. A lot of people ask “why me” and I am literally about to do the same…WHY ME?!? I keep our house clean, I love my husband with all my heart, I pet my dogs and feed them and make them happy daily, I take showers, I make wonderful food at home, I budget our spending, I’m generally nice to every one I meet…..Josh is a wonderful, kind hearted person, he is obediant to his bosses and superiors, he puts in his time and comes home and loves me and supports me and I don’t think we should be going through as much hard shit as we are….when will it stop? Seriously, when? Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if we hit the rewind button and bit the bullet by writing down Kings Bay as our first choice instead of Washington….yeah, we would have missed out on some awesome friends and some awesome scenery but sometimes I feel like life would be easier if we were closer to friends and family and loved ones and blah blah blah. I love WA, don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful here. If I could relocate everyone I want in our lives to this very spot dammit I would but thats impossible so I always go back to thinking about Georgia. If only we would have motherfucking picked Georgia. And then I get to feeling guilty….neither one of us wanted to live in that hell hole of a state. It smells, its hot, the entire Kings Bay area is trashy, and it was nowhere “new” or “fun” to explore….but fuck it would have been easy. Half an hour to Nanna and Poppa (and all our Jax friends), another hour down to the girls and the kids and my mom when she’s staying at her FL house, a few more hours down to Mom, Dad, Nikki, Vovo and Papa….go north a few hours and you’re right there with all mom’s side of the family, not to mention Mom and Dad in their “new” house. God, it would have been so much easier. Sometime I sit for whole days thinking about just that….where we’d live, where I’d be in school, how much more family time we would have spent…….but alas, life doesn’t have a rewind button and I look at our beautiful home with the waterfront views on a sunny day, the green surroundings, the mild weather, the friends, the food, the atmosphere. Its a whole different world here and we would have completely missed out. How does one choose between conveneince and adventure? How does one choose between comfortable and breaking out of the comfort zone? I went from seeing my Nanna every single day to going without seeing her since December of 2010….the first Christmas away from my family was the hardest and I don’t see it getting much easier as time goes on. We can’t afford the $1000 it would take to travel there and back and she can’t afford it to come out here so we’re just stuck…..stuck where we are, alone and sad. I miss her, she misses me and there’s NOTHING we can do about it. I’m sure other military families have this same issue but when you’re sitting alone in your living room with nothing but a keyboard you get to be a little more whiney than normal. My tumblr, my thoughts, fucking deal. I miss my mom, I miss my dad, I miss my brother, I miss Nanna and Poppa, I miss watching the babies grow up, I miss seeing Karen whenever I want….I used to drive there on a whim just to say hey or give Grace and Dyl a hug and now all I see are photos….photos of teeth going out and teeth growing in, photos of hair getting longer and bodies getting taller and I DON’T WANT THEM TO FORGET ME. I know they won’t but I fear for this daily. I would spend every last dime going to see my babies if I could live without the daily neccessities of life but I can’t and it sucks. I miss being able to share a snack with the kids outside in the sunshine blowing bubbles and talking to Karen about how stupid people are or how awesome a new recipe I found is. Talking on the phone is great and all but nothing beats smelling the mixture of shampoo and sweat when you wrap the kids up in your arms to tell them bye and nothing beats wrapping your arms around karen’s boney shoulders and telling her you’ll be back on Friday. I wouldn’t trade my life with Joshua for anything, and we have been blessed with a whole lot of love and “stuff” and great things in our lives but I REALLY REALLY REALLY can’t help but miss some stuff from back home……its just been too fucking long.

i’m sick of writing and ive been ranting for a while and I can’t take much more. Maybe a snack and a nap will do me some good…..if anyone’s reading this….thanks.